JennetteFulda

  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
    • Blog
    • Archives
    • Travel and Adventure
    • Weight-Loss Blog Title Generator
  • Books
    • Books
    • Half-Assed: A Weight-loss Memoir
    • Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn’t Go Away
  • Timeline
  • Contact
    • Contact
    • Advertising

April 8, 2020 11 Comments

18 things I didn’t predict about the apocalypse

Virus graffiti

In the Before Times, I remember thinking the Trump administration was the closest thing I’d experienced to a zombie apocalypse in the sense that all the rules of society changed overnight. If any other president had slept with a porn star while he was married and paid her off to stay quiet, their administration would be over, but this was just a minor blip in Trump’s tenure. At least once a week he does something that would have tanked another president’s career, but now we just look at him and shrug. I’d never seen the accepted behaviors in society change so suddenly overnight.

Then the coronavirus was like, “Hold my beer.”

Life has gotten weird y’all. As a self-employed homebody, my routine doesn’t seem too different from the outside, but things have gotten bizarre in ways I never predicted.

1) My favorite show is…a daily press conference?

Two months ago, I don’t think I could have named the governor of New York, but in our strange new world, Andrew Cuomo’s daily press conferences are one of the highlights of my day. From what I can tell, there are lots of valid reasons people didn’t like him before this (and will probably go back to disliking him after this), but his competent, blunt yet optimistic, approach to this crisis is exactly what I need and cannot get at the federal level. I don’t live in New York nor do I know all that many people who do, but I watch these pressers every day.

Cuomo starts with the grim facts. People are dying. More people are going to die. The data is displayed in charts and graphs in his slide deck. He tells you the truth even though it’s dark. Then he tells you what they’re doing and what they still need to do. They got some ventilators from China, but now they need PPE. They built a hospital in the Javits Center, but now they need people to staff it. If you keep playing less than six feet apart on the damn playground, they are going to shut down the parks! He will do it, don’t test him!

We will get to the other side of the mountain

Then he shares a reassuring quote or anecdote that lets you know we’re all going to get through this, even though it will change us. Usually, he shares a personal story, which is my favorite part. He had meaningful, heartfelt conversations with his daughter while she was in quarantine! He was scared when he learned his younger brother had caught the coronavirus! His brother’s his best friend! They said they love each other on live television after mercilessly teasing each other!

(If you have not watched Andrew Cuomo and his journalist brother, Chris, arguing over who is Mom’s favorite and debating who is better at basketball on his CNN show, it is a treat and just the lighthearted content I need even if it’s kinda ethically questionable from a journalism perspective. I don’t care! Don’t take this away from me!)

It’s all very humanizing and balances out the tougher aspect of the governor’s personality. He’s a strong advocate for his people (some might say “bully”) and I truly believe if he had to wrestle a bear to get 1000 more ventilators, he would do it and then come back to brief us on the fight with a carefully selected PowerPoint slide.

2) My second favorite show is about…blood cells?

I haven’t been able to concentrate on books lately, so I was flipping through Netflix when I came across an anime, Cells at Work, that depicts white blood cells as men wearing white camo and red blood cells as women wearing dapper hats and bacteria as monsters-of-the week. Watching the neutrophils slaughter a virus in episode three was highly satisfying. It pulls off the hard trick of being entertaining while also educational. I know what a macrophage is now! Two freshly washed thumbs up.

Die virus!

3) Every normal problem is now twice as worse

The phrase, “during a pandemic,” is the Scrabble double-word score of life because adding it to a sentence makes every normal problem twice as worse. For instance:

I walked into the bathroom and discovered water on the floor…during a pandemic!
It turns out the floater had gotten stuck, which caused the tank to overflow. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened since, but for a terrified ninety seconds I imagined a long chain of events starting with a maintenance person coughing coronavirus all over the handle and ending with me dying alone in a hospital hallway—all because of a broken toilet.

A water main break put me under a boil water advisory…during a pandemic!
This problem raised the questions of:

1) Should I risk infection with an airborne disease to get bottled water that might save me from a waterborne disease?
2) Was there even any bottled water left at the store after all the panic buying?
3) What is this white silt that appears when I boil a pot full of hard water and let it cool?

What is this white stuff?

The answer to number three is “limescale” or “calcium carbonate” and not proof of contamination, not that I ever thought that.

Chipmunks built a nest in my aunt’s car engine and chewed through some wires…during a pandemic!
Yeah, my Aunt Donna really had a day this week.

4) The apocalypse comes with its own vocabulary words

As this pandemic spreads, it’s also infected the popular lexicon with these new words and phrases:

  • Flatten the curve
  • Social distancing
  • Self-isolating
  • Hotspot
  • PPE

When I used the word “hotspot” in the Before Times, it referred to the way I connected to the internet when Starbucks’ wi-fi was down, and the only thing PPE was to me was a incorrect Naughty by Nature lyric.

The way I write emails has also changed. I used to start messages with, I hope you had a good weekend!, but now my emails start off with, I hope you are feeling healthy! or I hope you are doing well during this strange times!, because it’s essential to acknowledge our unfolding global catastrophe before asking for the FTP password. Even the meaning of the exclamation point has changed; instead of a punctuation mark that I begrudgingly use so I don’t sound like a raging bitch over email, now it’s an actual signal of distress! See, I’m distressed!

My sign-offs have gotten really weird too. Instead of, Best wishes!, I’m saying things like, Stay safe and wash your hands! If this actually were a zombie apocalypse, the tone would remain the same but I’d be saying, Remember, aim for the head!

If someone takes a while to respond to a message, I don’t even question why. I assume they’re rocking back and forth in the fetal position and can’t bear to look at a screen.

5) While everyone is staying home, I’m actually getting out more

Don’t worry! I am still maintaining social distancing. The last time I got less than six feet away from someone is when I passed that guy in the toothbrush aisle. I’ve been getting out more because I’ve started walking almost every day. Partly, this is because cabin fever has made me look forward to taking the trash out, but mostly it’s due to the FEAR OF IMMINENT DEATH. The reliable fear of eventual death from comorbidities years from now just wasn’t getting things done.

In the Before Times, my approach to exercise had become rather lackadaisical. There were some days I didn’t bother leaving the house because I didn’t want to go up and down the stairs. But now that Covid-19 is killing people with underlying health issues—like, oh, OBESITY—my enthusiasm for exercise has increased by 2000 steps per day! I’m trying to strengthen my heart and lose weight to increase my triage chances.

The oddest thing is that any time I encounter someone else, one of us shifts our path to maintain the distancing without saying a word. A month ago, if I’d crossed to the other side of the street when someone was coming, it would have been rude, particularly because a lot of Chin refugees from southeast Asia live around here, so it would have been pretty racist too. But now it’s polite!

A nice treat on my walk has been the little paper hearts hanging in the trees with uplifting statements.

Air hug!

You matter!

Which is lovely because…

6) Crafters will save us all

Ever since the medical mask shortage was announced weeks ago, anyone who’s ever opened an Etsy store is sewing masks out of t-shirts and pillowcases. There are zillions of different mask patterns and zillions of YouTube tutorials, which I find rather overwhelming now that the CDC is telling people to wear masks in public. But someone made a YouTube video comparing masks too! So, I’m covered. And I could also be covered by a face shield made out of a soda bottle, or a face mask made out of leggings, or a bandana and some rubber bands, or a reusable grocery bag and pipe cleaners, which I’ll do after making my own hand sanitizer!

7) Allergies are now terrifying

Whenever I feel the tickle of a cough in the back of my throat from tree pollen, I try as hard as possible not to cough because coughing is a symptom of the coronavirus, and I don’t want to die, so not coughing will save my life, right? I have also gotten very good at taking my temperature to reassure myself that I don’t have a fever. Did you know there are heat pockets in your mouth? And you’re supposed to place the end of the thermometer in them? Did you know thermometers come with directions that explain these things which you read when you’re bored waiting for your temperature reading?

10) I appreciate the dentist a lot more now that I can’t see him

I was due to have my six-month cleaning in January, but I kept putting it off because I needed to find a dentist closer to my home, and now I have no idea when it will be safe to share air space with a dental hygienist again. I’m brushing and flossing every day to fight back cavities, but I have dry mouth which makes me teeth more vulnerable to plaque. I also grind my teeth when I’m anxious, so the thought of a potential dental emergency is rather worrisome…during a pandemic! I’m not at a stage where I need to remove a rotten tooth with an ice skate like Tom Hanks in Castaway, but that scene did play in my mind when I bit into a really hard nut in some bread yesterday.

9) The library is closed and due dates have been cancelled…so I own this book now!

Slay by Brittney Morris

Poor little Slay is a refugee who was caught outside her homeland when the borders closed, but I will keep her safe from coffee stains and dog-eared pages until she can return to the YA bookshelf with her friends.

10) I plan my grocery trips more carefully than I planned my crosstown move

Before I went to the grocery store last week, I used the Meijer app to determine where every item was in the store and organized my shopping list by aisles like I was planning to be a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Yes, I know this makes me sound looney, but we’ve all got a lot of free time now and I wanted to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. I never thought I’d be waking up at 7:30am to go grocery shopping, which truly is a sign of the apocalypse.

11) I know absolutely nothing about food rationing

Now that the grocery store is frightening, I’ve been trying to determine how many days of food I have left. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to determine how many days of food I have left.

Am I supposed to split everything into potential meals and count those? Should I just eyeball it? Also, in what order should I be eating things? Obviously, I need to eat the fresh fruits and veggies first, but after that should I intersperse my meals with spaghetti, rice, soup, and other shelf-stable items? Or am I supposed to save those for last in case things turn dire and I can’t get more food? And if so, isn’t it going to be rather awful to eat rice and pasta for five days in a row? It’s bad enough that I have to eat the heel of the bread now! I’ve started freezing milk, people! I didn’t even know I could freeze milk!

12) But at least it’s been great for my diet

I know a lot of people are binging their way through the apocalypse, but I’ve already lost six pounds. My apartment is an island and I can only eat what I have within these walls. There have been no ice cream runs when my headache is bad and I have resisted the temptation to buy junk food on my biweekly resupplies so I won’t be able to eat it. There have been several nights when I craved chocolate, but you can’t eat what you don’t have!

It’s made me realize that if I’d been born 100 years ago, I probably wouldn’t have had that much of a problem with obesity. I wouldn’t have had access to all the junk foods I love, and there weren’t many cars, so I probably would have had to walk a lot. But I wouldn’t have had many rights, so I suppose being fat in the future is better than being thin in the past.

13) The View has gotten really weird

I don’t watch The View on a regular basis, but I do subscribe to their YouTube channel and watch clips that look interesting, and man, this show has gotten bizarre. It started with them getting rid of the live studio audience.

The View with no studio audience

Then Whoopi started hosting from home because she almost died of pneumonia last year.

Whoopi hosts The View from home

And they made the table absurdly large so four people could socially distance from each other.

A really large table on The VIew

Then Joy and Meghan started working from home because Joy is in the at-risk age group and Meghan’s pregnant. Which left Sunny and Sara alone in the studio staring at each other from opposite ends of a table like two people in a dying marriage.

This marriage is on the rocks

Until everyone was working from home and Meghan started inexplicably wearing a baseball cap, probably because her roots are growing out.

The View on Zoom

So The View is just a televised Zoom meeting now. I’m still waiting for the next step where the internet crashes and the show is acted out entirely by puppets.

14) Eventually we will see the inside of every celebrity’s home

Everyone is working from home now, which means talk shows are filming from home, as are their famous guests who are using Zoom or Skype or Facetime like the rest of us. I’ve learned that Jimmy Fallon has a slide in his house and Patti LuPone has a jukebox in her basement and I’m still not sure if those globes in Trever Noah’s apartment are lamps or not. I find myself being rather judgmental of what people’s homes look like.

15) The apocalypse will be marketed

Like everyone, I have gotten dozens of emails in the past month from every store I have ever bought assuring me that they’ve noticed there is a global pandemic. If anyone who wrote a novel about the apocalypse anticipated this phenomenon, kudos to you! It’s one of those strange details that would have made your worldbuilding particularly on point.

I’ve also started to see TV ads addressing the pandemic, which is kind of unsettling because it means this thing has been going on long enough for advertising firms to pitch, write, and shoot ads. Some of them are sort of comforting and others aren’t, but I definitely never thought I’d see a toilet paper ad asking you to please not hoard toilet paper.

16) The apocalypse will be parodied

There is a surprisingly large number of parody songs about the coronavirus pandemic. I guess when you lock up artists in their homes without anything to do…they do this.

Which raises the question…

17) Have I been unproductive for the past decade?

Now that people are spending more time at home, they’re creating inventive art and buying stuff at Lowe’s to fix up their houses and I’m like, oh shit, was I supposed to be achieving things when I was staying home in the evening?

18) The apocalypse will be blogged

But at least I’m blogging again, right?

Feature photo by duncan c / CC BY-NC 2.0

  • Tweet
  • Email
  • More
  • Print
  • Share on Tumblr
  • Pocket

Leave a Comment (11) Read more about: apocalypse, coronavirus, covid-19, covid19, pandemic

Jennette Fulda is the author of:

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away

"Smart, unflinchingly honest, and laugh-out-loud funny."

- Lisa Genova, New York Times best-selling author of Still Alice

  • Amazon
  • Barnes & Noble
  • Powell's
  • Indiebound
You may also like:
  • Taking it one day at a time (indoors) during the global pandemic
  • What my doctor’s visit was like during the COVID-19 pandemic
  • Figuring out risk management in a COVID-19 world
Post navigation
Later: Figuring out risk management in a COVID-19 world
Earlier: Taking it one day at a time (indoors) during the global pandemic
Home: Main blog index

Comments

  1. Pantherle says

    April 8, 2020 at 3:03 pm

    I’m happy that you’re blogging again. Thank you! Stay safe! Best wishes from Germany.

    Reply
    • Jean says

      April 8, 2020 at 4:53 pm

      Watching Cuomo’s daily presser has become my therapy for getting through this pandemic without losing my mind.
      I live in the Hudson Valley where a lot of folks absolutely hate Cuomo. I don’t.
      I’m sorry it took a pandemic to get you writing your blog again, but it’s an unexpected bonus as far as I’m concerned.
      Stay safe, be well and wash your hands!

      Reply
      • Jessica says

        April 10, 2020 at 2:54 pm

        Jean – I live outside Albany and I know what you mean – I generally like him but he isn’t popular. I do think he is getting the credit he deserves for handling this situation so well. Well, as much credit as some hard-core folks are willing to grudgingly give.
        Jennette – I’m so glad to see your post. Brings a smile to my face in these difficult times.

        Reply
  2. Judith says

    April 8, 2020 at 3:41 pm

    Cuomo is my governor and I was not a fan (I am way more liberal). I have not watched even one of his updates though I’ve watched clips. I am too scared to watch anything live.
    Andrew Cuomo has done us New Yorkers proud. Under extreme pressure he has shown the characteristics of a true leader. Makes the occupant of the White House look even more like the greedy, ignorant, cruel clown he is.

    Reply
  3. Jennifer says

    April 8, 2020 at 5:34 pm

    I always love it when you turn up in my blog reader. Glad you’re safe, and glad you’re blogging! Obviously not glad about the broken water main.

    Reply
  4. Kate says

    April 8, 2020 at 10:10 pm

    Nice job capturing so much of the weirdness that we’re all living through at the moment. Good for you losing weight while most folks are gaining. I’ll look forward to reading more – keep writing and of course stay safe

    Reply
  5. Maureen Williams says

    April 9, 2020 at 1:47 am

    So glad you’re blogging again! I feel like you’re describing my life and I’m sure the lives of most of your fans. Love you–stay safe!

    Reply
  6. emmaclaire says

    April 14, 2020 at 5:07 pm

    I was reading a comment on another blog from a lady named Jenn whose cat knocks stuff off the shelves and it compelled me to see if you’d posted anything lately – you did! Glad to hear you’re getting by and your family is safe and you’ve had good practice at socially isolating. I enjoyed hearing your perspective on this crazy world we’re living in. Stay healthy!

    Reply
  7. Cathy says

    April 19, 2020 at 3:47 am

    Just popping in to say the following line made me laugh so hard that I actually snorted. So, thank you.
    “Which left Sunny and Sara alone in the studio staring at each other from opposite ends of a table like two people in a dying marriage.”

    Reply
    • Jennette Fulda says

      April 20, 2020 at 12:13 pm

      @Cathy – Thanks! I admit, I was thinking of a scene in Citizen Kane when I wrote that.

      Reply
  8. Alexandrine says

    April 30, 2020 at 4:26 pm

    I agree about Cuomo’s briefings being comforting. I have been plowing through back issues of the Atlantic and New Yorker since each one contains at least two novellas. I then found a box of books in my closet from my last move and there was Half-Assed. I am only a third of the way through and am enthralled. You have definitely captured and successfully described many of my own experiences. What kind of witchcraft is that? Thank you for helping me through the Pandemic and seeing some humor from the past. I did see the spoiler of you struggling with your weight and migraines after I googled your name but damn you can write.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I wrote some books

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn’t Go AwayHalf-Assed: A weight-loss memoir

Follow Me

Jennette Fulda on Facebook

Recent Posts

  • That billionaire brat made me feel bad that Twitter is imploding
  • No one grows old on DVD or CD-ROM
  • Losing more than 100 pounds…again: Part 3 – The Differences
  • Losing more than 100 pounds…again: Part 2 – Losing Weight
  • Losing more than 100 pounds…again: Part 1 – Regaining Weight
448

Travel and Adventure

Weight-Loss Blog Title Generator

Most Popular Posts

  • Two weeks of Blue Apron: Six recipes, one blogger, and not enough bowls.
  • Remind me never to go off my meds again
  • Like the back of my hand
  • The Big Move in Retrospect: Everything good and the bad about moving from Indianapolis to Chapel Hill
  • It’s hard to type when you break your arm
  • My health insurance denial letters. Past or future?
  • Punta Cana, Dominican Republic: Day 1, Getting there is half the fun!
  • Not a picture I’ll be bragging about

Blog Archives

Search

Know thyself, quiz Monday

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, chronic headache sufferer, (former?) weight-loss inspiration, and seemingly nice person (who is silently judging you). You can contact her if you promise to be nice.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

Follow Me

Blog Archives

Newsletter

One day I might actually e-mail something to my mailing list. If you want to be there for that moment, sign up below.

AS SEEN IN

  • The Washington Post
  • The Today Show
  • The New York Times
  • The Wall Street Journal
  • The Globe and Mail
  • Associated Press
  • Women's Health
  • Glamour
  • Shape Magazine
  • Runner's World
  • Health
  • The Early Show
  • MSNBC
Copyright © 2023 Jennette Fulda • All Rights Reserved • Privacy Policy • Site design by Makeworthy Media