I woke up on Election Day excited to vote for the first female president. I put on blue jeans, a red shirt with star-shaped sequins, and a white sweater. I put all my things in a blue and white striped bag which completed my patriotic attire. I don’t really care about fashion, so the fact that I bothered to dress up says a lot about my enthusiasm. There wasn’t much of a wait at my polling place, and I proudly walked back to my car with a “My Vote, My Voice” sticker on my sweater. I arrived at my mom’s apartment around 5pm to watch the returns come in with her and my brother. We had crackers and cheese and cookies on hand to celebrate, and based on the advance polls it seemed like we’d have an official result around 11:30pm.
Around 8:30pm I was concerned that none of the swing states had turned blue yet. It seemed like Hillary should have one of them in the bag by now. As the returns for Florida got counted, it looked like Trump might win there, and I knew from my obsessive political podcast listening that Trump couldn’t win without Florida. By 9:15pm I got so anxious that I had to lie down in my mother’s bedroom, in the dark, listening to music on my phone, doing deep breathing exercises. Even then, my heart rate was 108 beats per minute, well above the normal resting heart rate. I had to use the bathroom three times in three hours. I was literally scared shitless that Trump might somehow win this election.
My brother opened the door every 30 minutes or so to give me updates, his voice growing more somber each time, a longer pause before he began to speak. At 11pm my mom came in and we talked. She told me that she’d survived the Nixon years and no matter what happened we’d get through all of this together. That’s when I started to accept that the worst really was going to happen. A misogynist, racist, xenophobic reality TV star was going to be our next president. I’m fortunate that I’ve never been diagnosed with a fatal disease, but I wonder if this is what it’s like. There was a growing anxiety that something was wrong, a confirmation of the diagnosis, extreme fear and sorrow, then acceptance, and finally resolution to fight and get through the awful near future as well as I could. America had been diagnosed as Donald Trump positive.
I returned to the living room and the mood was somber. We’d been expecting a party and were having a wake instead. For me, the wake was for Obamacare. The Republicans have always wanted to kill it and with control of the presidency and Congress there is no reason to believe they won’t. That means I will no longer have health insurance by 2018 or 2019. As a self-employed person with a pre-existing condition, you can learn how horrible it was trying to get health insurance by reading this 3100-word article I wrote about it in 2011. The results of this election mean I will probably no longer be able to be self-employed in the near future. I have a few options to explore before that’s a certainty, but don’t be surprised if I have to take a corporate job before I turn 40. (If any nervous clients are reading this, I promise not to abandon you if this happens. We’ll figure something out.)
For my brother, the wake was for the Dodd-Frank bill. Little Bro worked in the mortgage industry for several years and that bill created several financial regulatory reforms after the great recession that nearly destroyed our economy. My brother can tell you how corrupt the mortgage industry was even after this regulation, so good luck to the economy without it! Don’t be surprised if we have another economic crisis within the next decade.
All of us were depressed and scared, and we’re straight, white people. I don’t think I can imagine how people of color, immigrants, the LGBTQ community and anyone else who wasn’t a straight, white person must have felt at that moment. I didn’t get much sleep that night, and all of Wednesday I had an anxious, nauseous feeling in my stomach. I had cried the night George W. Bush was re-elected, but I hadn’t felt like this. Yes, it sucks when your candidate doesn’t win, but this was so, so, much worse than that. I was never a fan of W, but I was never concerned he would destroy the country so fully that we might never recover. I think Donald Trump could do that.
Already on my Facebook wall I was seeing stories from teachers about their non-white students being harassed and being told to go back to Mexico or Africa. Nobody did that when W was re-elected. After Brexit, hate crimes increased by 41% in the UK, and it seems like something similar is starting here as well.
I really took our country for granted, this nation other people built and I was born into without doing anything at all to earn it. I knew there would occasionally be setbacks and things wouldn’t always go the way I wanted, but I always assumed the United States would be here, that we’d stand for freedom and strive for equality, and continue moving forward. I never thought we could take such a large step back all at once, that it could all be taken down, at least not in my lifetime, and I was naïve to think so.
When I was young and learned about things like World War II or the holocaust or slavery, I was glad these things were in the past and couldn’t possibly happen today. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that, actually, horrible things can still happen even if we defeated similar horrible things in the past. Civilization may seem solid, but it’s built on sand and all it takes is a bad leader, an epidemic, a big war or some other event for everything to shift considerably and collapse in a sinkhole. Sometimes I think we’re doomed as a species, that the effects of climate change will wipe us all out in 200-300 years regardless, so anything we do today is ultimately futile even though we have the power to stop a doomed future and won’t. Other times I think we have great capacity, that we’re more good than bad, and that we can build great things in the future. The truth is probably somewhere in between.
Regardless of any of that, I think the only way out is to better understand each other. I was surprised to learn that 25% of eligible voters would vote for someone who was racist. Who knew? Black people, knew. That’s who knew. If I had more than a smattering of black friends who face racism on a daily basis, maybe I’d be less surprised by that.
Who knew people would vote for someone who bragged about sexual assault? Women knew. Rape culture doesn’t just magically appear, it’s created by people who think it’s ok to touch a woman without asking, or at least don’t think it’s a deal-breaker for the presidency even if they don’t necessarily like it. As a woman, I was surprised when the Access Hollywood tape made a dent in Trump’s support. I guess my initial instincts were right.
There have been times when I’ve driven on country roads in Indiana or North Carolina and thought, “Wow, it’s like a totally different world out here.” There are towns with just one traffic light and buildings and trimmings that look like they were built in the 50’s and the waitresses in their restaurants have different accents than mine. I guess that should have been a sign to me that I live in a bubble, but I missed it. There are actually a lot of people who live in rural areas and they vote, and even if I don’t like the way they voted they’re still as much a part of this country as I am. They were enthusiastic about their candidate and people were only lukewarm about mine, and that turnout seems to have made the difference.
If there are any Trump supporters who made it this far and are wondering, “What is she so worried about, geez?” My multiple concerns include:
- My health insurance will be taken away. I will have to declare medical bankruptcy. I might literally die.
- His election empowers people to bully and commit hate crimes against minority groups that they would not have felt safe doing without Trump’s election which is seen as a tacit approval of such behavior.
- He will nominate at least one and or as many as three Supreme Court justices who will shape the future of our society for decades and will trample on rights for LGBTQ people, women, and minorities. The court will further empower corporations to do bad things, and further restrict voting rights.
- He will use the power of his presidency and the nation’s surveillance apparatus to get revenge on people he believes have wronged him and there’s little or nothing we can do about it.
- He will do everything he can to suppress freedom of speech, particularly targeting journalists and publications that criticize him, probably by spying on them.
- He will harm our relationships with other countries and our standing in the world, and make us cozier with places like Russia that severely limit its people’s freedoms.
- There will be a major crisis, like 9/11, and he will bungle it and cause the deaths of many Americans. Or he’ll use it as an excuse to do bad things like put certain people in internment camps or deport them from the country.
- His cabinet, staff and other people he puts in power will be racist, misogynistic, and xenophobic like he is.
- The federal judges he gets to appoint over the next few years will be racist, misogynistic, and xenophobic like he is and will remain in power after his term expires.
- He will sexually assault more women.
- He will remove legislation like the Dodds-Frank bill and do other things that help Wall Street and rich people, not the working class.
- He will create conditions that lead to an economic collapse.
- He will do nothing to help slow down climate change, and will in fact pass measures that help speed it up.
- He will be uninterested in doing the actual work of the presidency and the country will really be controlled by an inner circle of unelected sycophants who steer him in the direction they want.
- Trump is impeached or dies in office, Pence becomes our president, and an all-out war on LGBTQ and women’s rights begins.
There are probably other things too, but those are just the ones off the top of my head. Many people have said that Trump’s election, Brexit, and the political climate in Europe and the USA are similar to how conditions were before World War II. It makes me concerned that a war is coming sometime in the next 10 years. A big war. And we might be the bad guys this time.
I’ve started to reach a point where I’m resigned that many of the things in the above list are going to happen, and all I can do is fight back as well as I can, supporting organizations like the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and help the Democrats get more seats in Congress in 2018. (Part of me also thinks it’s not a bad idea to start collecting canned goods and keeping large quantities of cash on hand, but that seems a wee bit paranoid at this time.) I can continue to speak about these things on my blog and social media. And I can seek support and hope from other people who feel the same way as me. We are numerous and over 25% of us voted for somebody else. Bad things are going to happen, but we will do what we can to make them as least bad as possible.
I’m also going to lighten up on how much news I consume, particularly political news. I’m not going to stick my head in the sand, but I don’t need to check news sites every hour or two like I typically do when I’m bored. I won’t be watching the morning shows for a while, and I definitely won’t watch the inauguration. I don’t need to listen to the Five Thirty Eight podcast or other political podcasts. Bad things are happening, but I don’t need to drown in it, just dip my toe in from time to time. So what can I fill that distraction time with? Thankfully I’ve bookmarked over 800 articles in the past few years that I never got around to reading. Now I’ve got the time!
The next four years will probably seem like we’re all trapped in an episode of “Black Mirror.” I doubt I’ll ever be able to say the word “President” before the word “Trump.” Even seeing it displayed on news banners makes me a little sick. Hopefully the damage will not be too great to our people and our country, and the loss of life not too large if any. I think Stephen Colbert and Samantha Bee will be key to preserving my mental health over the next four years, assuming they get to keep their first amendment rights. This too will pass. I will be playing the OK Go song of the same name a lot to remind me of this. It might pass like a gallstone though, which I can tell you from experience is the worst pain I’ve ever had, and I speak as someone who’s had a headache for eight and a half years.
In my recent post about moving back to Indiana, I mentioned that “if Donald Trump somehow manages to get elected, I want to be close to my family when that happens.” I thought that was a longshot when I wrote it, but I’m glad I was with my family when this happened. I would not have wanted to be alone when learning about our country’s fate. We’ll all get through this together. I just hope we all get through this alive and physically unharmed.
I immediately dropped my monthly support of St. Jude’s – I love their work, but they have some ties to the family of the Orange Orc and I won’t associate with them any longer. I turned around and started monthly contributions to Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, the Sierra Club, and the Council on American Islamic Relations. Right now, we need to arm those fighting back.
I pray we survive this.
I’m a straight white person who doesn’t even live in the US and I’m scared too… I don’t know if it helps, but I think a lot of us around the world have sympathy for your plight and a shared sense of dread that could actually make us feel us closer together despite the best efforts of The Trump.
Seriously, how did this happen?
You always make me so very proud. Beautifully written. We will all get through this together. I feel like I have time traveled back to the sixties–Vietnam war protests and civil rights marches. . .People singing We Shall Overcome outside the White House! I see a lot of prayer ahead for me in the coming years. Peace and all good things.
Such a well-written and thoughtful post, as per your usual. I am actually almost embarassed at how little at-risk I am personally and yet I am still TERRIFIED about what’s happening. And I am also grieving and in shock. I missed my workout on Wednesday, have been stress eating, and am not sure how or if I will manage to work out today. I’m sure your mother is right that we’ll get through it, but right now I can’t quite see that yet. Love you Jennette.
Thank you for writing so much of what I have been feeling. I to plan to work harder with my words and actions to make a positive difference for our future.
I’m Jewish and I have been nervous since Trump was chosen as the Republican candidate. My in-laws all supported Trump and I knew there were many many people, white, suburban and rural, all saying they wanted a change from politics as usual and stubbornly closed their eyes, and plugged their ears and refused to see that Trump was only interested in doing things that would be advantageous to himself and those like him. I am scared, depressed, and have initiated a personal moratorium on Facebook news feeds and pretty much am only following a couple of blogs (yours and Stonekettle Station) and some kitten cams, because….kittens!
@Jean – OMG, I was watching a kitten cam last night too.
@Jean – And The Bloggess filled her first post-election post with pics/GIFs of “medicinal kittens”
This may seem weird to you, Jennette, but as I watched the results I thought about you because of what you have written about your medical insurance and the ACA.
I don’t know what to say, really. Everything that comes to mind sounds like idiotic platitudes. I am still in shock.
I’m an straight older white lady, and I’m right there with you. I had to put myself on a news blackout the week before election day, and couldn’t watch the returns come in because it was all causing me too much anxiety. I knew things had gone terribly wrong when my son went out to buy a package of Oreos.
I’m employed at a major university, in a very blue area. So I’m not personally in danger of losing health care, abortion rights are not my personal issue any more, and it’s not like I’m at high risk of being groped (anymore). But I am disturbed to my core about the next four years, and the repercussions beyond that. And as more CA ballots are counted, the mismatch between the popular vote and the electoral results are growing more and more galling.
The one thing that this election taught me is that racism, misogyny, and sexual assault are in fact deal breakers for me. I cannot condone them, and I cannot be on friendly terms with anyone who condones them.
I’ve already donated to the ACLU, and will continue to donate to organizations that will fight back against he who I will not name. I’m going to pay particular attention to voting rights issues, because the Right will work hard to lock their power in place by disenfranchising those who don’t support them. Changing the electoral process to proportional voting across all states is another much needed reform.
I have been nauseated since Tuesday night, very much the same concerns you have. My son is gay and I am so afraid for him. All the hateful people are going to come out of the woodwork because it will be “ok”. I agree with you, in order to keep my sanity I am going to not consume too much news. My husband has been very despondent since Tuesday, he was so bad he didn’t even go to work the next day. Thank you for this well written post.
Yeah. I moved home and left my reasonably comfortable job to take care of my dad b/c I knew even if I wouldn’t earn much, I’d still be health insured. Not sure what will happen now. I think you’re exactly right that the end of the ACA will limit self-employment to those who are in perfect health.
This was very well written and lays it all out. Thank you.
I have worse news for you. We were betrayed, by our own.
I’m realizing as the numbers came through that
1. Principled republicans didn’t vote for him. Trump had 1.3 million fewer votes than Romney.
2. Trump DID NOT have an army of new secret voters.
3. Three million democrats actively didn’t vote for her. That many people turned their backs on everything Barack Obama stood for and accomplished just so they didn’t have to vote for Her. They sacrificed the women they love, peace and stability internationally, friends and neighbors without white privilege, AND HEALTH INSURANCE, just so they didn’t have to vote for Her.
But they wanted a better candidate? Too little too late. I admire Bernie but this is on him as well. If he had wanted a real chance to WIN he had to have started THREE years ago. He didn’t do the work THEN to win now.
Winter is coming people. We were betrayed by our own.
When Bush became president I was upset because I thought he’d be a bad president. This goes so much farther than that. I am actually afraid. As a female and a minority I’m genuinely afraid. Even if I were neither of those things I would be afraid. For all the reasons you listed and then some. I mean he praised the Chinese for the Tiananmen Square Massacre as a great example of what strong leaders do. He said he wants to make it a crime to criticize the president and the government. I’m terrified.
You said everything I am feeling and more. I just hope we can make it through. I felt the same way about getting a fatal diagnosis. I’m not ready for this.
I am a gay woman and I am scared to death on both counts.
I endorse this message.
Also, if it helps, my 10-year-old son and I have decided we’re going to call him McPresident. The kid came up with it making a play on McDonald Trump, and it just stuck.
I’m Canadian and I’m terrified. I mean, seriously. I grew up in a communist country during the 80s, during the 90s the province I live in had a referendum to secede that came at about 50% / 49% for no/yes and this past week was for me the most nerve-wracking political event of my life.
I am terrified for the planet, about irreversible climate change, about the possibility of nuclear war, and about all the social progress that will be undone in the following years. I’m sad for all the people who will suffer abuse, harassment, discrimination and all-out violence.
I’m sorry for the many many millions of Americans who are equally horrified at this, who did not vote for this monstrosity of a clown.
I almost took the day off work on Wednesday. I’m not sleeping well, I’m not eating well, sometimes I’m so anxious that I get a lump in my throat.
I long for the days when I was just sick of the campaign coverage and was looking forward to the end. Man, that was sweet! Such an innocent time… haha. Now?
I’m from Australia and believe me, everyone here seems to be in disbelief about it too. My neighbour is from the US and has lived here for 20 years. She’s so concerned for her family in the US that she’s trying to get them to migrate over here.
Take some comfort in the fact that there are a lot of people worldwide who are very concerned for the future, you’re not on your own.
Very eloquently written. My husband has had cancer so we are scared about health insurance too. It’s scary times we live in. I can’t believe how far backwards we are going. It’s one step forward, two steps back. I’m still in shock.
Right there with you, and I’m even better off.
I didn’t turn in my ballot until 6:30 (Pacific time) and didn’t turn on the TV before that. When I did, he had 244 electoral college votes, and the newscasters were just looking stunned. The broadcast from Times Square was eerie: it was QUIET!
I keep telling myself the country is stronger than one man, but my lesser self says: but so many Americans did this to us! I hope the physical world survives his anti-environmental agenda.
I still have a physical reaction to the title and the name put together. Silver lining? This may help me lose weight. Heh.
I am realizing that I live in a bubble…I knew I was reading/watching self-reinforcing things, but they (seemed) funny! I’m having trouble accepting this, but am learning not to read so much on the ‘net. Maybe I’ll have to stop watching the political humor shows.
(Expletive)
I share your fears and send love to someone I feel like I know. (We have worked together on a website.) I completely understand why you feel good being “home” now. I’ve found I appreciate my family more than ever (and it was A LOT before!) and wish we were all together.
In solidarity and understanding,
Deb
I too, as a German, when I watched the results thought about you because of what you have written about your medical insurance and the ACA. I am so so so sorry for you and disappointed that a lot of Bernie fans didn’t vote for Hilary. How could you? A lot of people here around me are full of tears and fears. That’s a giant problem for the world.
So sorry.
I am from Austria, and I am also horrified that this sorry excuse of a man got elected President of the United States of America. What can everyone do to fight this man, regardless of where we live? Vote with our wallets, every single day! Several people, who commented on this blog post already, got it right: withdraw your financial support of organizations, which support Trump, and start donating to organizations, which stand for everything he wants abolish.
But you can do more: make conscious decisions, when you spend your money. For example, Trump doesn’t believe in climate change, and wants to revive the coal mining industry, which heavily pollutes the planet. What can each person do about that? Reduce your own energy consumption! Don’t leave electrical appliances on stand-by, turn them off completely. Don’t drive everywhere! Use public transportation, car-pool, cycle, walk! Turn the heat down in your home, and put on a sweater.
The same is true for all other shopping decisions: buy organic, seasonal fruits and vegetables from small, local farmers. Support small businesses, which are owned by immigrants.
Don’t support Big Business! You want to help reduce the influence pharmaceutical companies have on politics? Don’t buy medication, if you don’t absolutely need it. You don’t need pills, syrups, and cough drops for every minor cold! Every cent you spend matters, and every cent you spend is a political decision.
Vote with your money, that’s the most important thing you can do during the next four years!
Very well put. I am a middle aged white woman, but I am scared for our country and terrified for my sons. I too, will be voting with my money – I will not shop at any companies that supported him or that do business with him or his family. http://www.bet.com/lifestyle/2016/11/22/11-companies-that-support-donald-trump.html also:https://grabyourwallet.org/
I pretty much can’t do anything but the essentials since the election — I find I’m coming home and going to bed and sleeping 12 hours a night. I feel like all hope is lost for this country, and for having any sort of health care or financial support in retirement. I wonder if eventually any old people who can’t pay for things will be the ones sent to interment camps to live in squalor.