Dear readers, I need your opinion on something. A friend of mine moved away from Chapel Hill to Boston a few months ago. I still read her blog, but when I tried visiting a week ago Wednesday my virus software blocked it. I used an online scanner and confirmed her site had malware, so I sent her an email letting her know about the problem and offering to help clean it up. I didn’t hear back from her, so I sent another email on Thursday from a different email address asking if she’d gotten the other email. Again, no answer.
On Saturday I tried direct messaging her on Twitter, and you can probably guess by now that I didn’t hear back from her. On Sunday I tried emailing her husband, and still, my messages seem to have been sent into a black hole. I decided to give it some more time, but after a few days of that going nowhere I texted her last evening and still haven’t heard back.
So, readers, is there any explanation for what has happened other than that I have been blown off in an epic fashion? I’m trying to convince myself otherwise, but there doesn’t seem to be any other rational explanation. As far as I know we were on good terms when she left. I can’t think of anything I’ve done that could have caused her to pretend I don’t exist. I did tell her I don’t like the city of Boston, but she’s been rather vocal about not liking Chapel Hill, so surely she can’t be holding that against me. I even admitted that Dunkin’ Donuts serves my favorite coffee and there is a DD on every street corner in Boston. Every corner!
I tried convincing myself she was away and didn’t have internet access, but both she and her husband have posted to Twitter and Instagram in the past week, so that’s not the case.
I’ve tried telling myself that my messages might have been sent to the spam box because they had the word “malware” in them. But that doesn’t explain the second email, Twitter message or text that didn’t use that word.
I’ve considered the fact that she might be dead and someone is impersonating her on social media, but that’s doubtful. Though if it’s true, it’ll make one hell of a news story.
I’ve wondered if it’s like the movie Wicker Park (spoiler alert) and she has been trying to contact me and some third party is deleting or intercepting our messages (maybe even Rose Byrne herself!), but that’s pretty outlandish. I guess if her blog got hacked her email might have as well, but surely she would have seen the Twitter message and text, right? I guess she could have changed her phone number, or someone could have stolen her phone, but how is she posting to Instagram without a phone? Can you see the mental gymnastics I’ve been doing to create a reasonable explanation for this?
I know it’s inevitable when friends move away that they get wrapped up in their new lives, make new friends, and slowly lose contact with their old friends. Sure, you see them on Facebook and promise to grab lunch if they’re ever in town, but it’s all lies, lies, lies to cover up the fact that the relationship is not what it used to be and never will be again, and that perhaps your bond was never as strong as you thought it was and maybe you’ve never had any real friends at all and something is horribly wrong with you that you’ll never be able to fix and it doesn’t matter anyway because we’re all going to die alone and end up as stardust and no one will be alive to remember the human race existed at all.
But it’s only been two months! Surely we haven’t descended into that form of nihilism yet.
So, this is my last ditch effort to make contact. Hopefully my friend will read this blog entry and leave a comment letting me know what the fuck is going on, because right now my feelings are hurt. I don’t have many friends in real life, so I’d hate to be ghosted by one of the ones I do have. I’d rather have a friend break up with me and tell me why they think I suck than for them to disappear without a trace.
I’ve also been in some lopsided friendships over the years. Sometimes it’s been my fault for not giving back as much as I was getting, but more often I’ve been the one giving a lot more than I’m getting back. I’ve vowed not to do that anymore. There’s a point where you have to stop chasing after someone. So this is the final outreach. Meg, are you out there? Can you get to a computer? What the fuck is going on? If you hate me, just let me know. Thanks.
And get that damn malware off your site!
If anyone else can think of a good reason why this might have happened or has a story to share about being dumped by a friend, please spin your tale in the comments section.
Edited to add at 6:00pm ET: Meg texted me back that she is still alive.
Photo by Kevan / CC BY-NC 2.0
MB says
February 19, 2016 at 8:03 amWow! That’s crazy! You don’t like Boston???!!!! Unfathomable! What the….??!! Come visit and I’ll change your mind. Hope Meg is ok.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 2:17 pm@MB – I sort of hate Boston on my brother’s behalf. He lived there for a few years when he was getting his masters and he had all sorts of problems finding housing. He also wasn’t a fan of the weather or the delays at Logan airport. I’m fine visiting the place, but I have no desire to live there.
Lara says
February 19, 2016 at 9:43 amAwww, that sounds sad. But if it’s only been 2 months she might still be busy putting her new home in order. Hopefully you have her actual address? Send her a housewarming card with DD gift card (saying how much you love DD and hope to visit Boston to try them all out)! Or if you have her phone number, it’s time for a call.
Angel says
February 19, 2016 at 10:39 amI’ve had the same type of thing happen. Unfortunately they just aren’t bothering to have the cajones to let you know the friendship is over. It sucks. You probably didn’t do anything wrong at all. I have the same scenario happening (kind of) where I moved to a new place and it’s been hard to make friends and one of the 2 people I consider to be a close friend in another city is not bothering to call and I realized I’m the one pretty much always calling. I tend to be the type to end up giving more and it makes you feel like something is wrong with you and that sucks. I know how you feel. I guess the only answer is to admit it stinks, say a few internal curse words and put your energy into something or someone else. I know that doesn’t help a ton but it’s what I’m trying to do. I’ve been in a new place now for over a year and haven’t made friends and I go to my share of meetups and I tried to join the local league of my sport and it hasn’t worked out. I spent my birthday completely alone and it sucked. But I try to be a good person and hope that something will work out soon.
I hope you know you are worth it (I try to tell myself that).
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 2:12 pm@Angel – It took me awhile to make friends after I moved to Chapel Hill, so I totally relate to what you’re going through. I tried meetups as well, and eventually I met someone at a WordPress conference that led me to a book club that has led to me meeting several new people. So, definitely keep trying. It’s so much harder to make friends after you graduate from school, but it is possible.
Nicole says
February 19, 2016 at 12:04 pmWhat ever the cause remember that it is on her side and has nothing to do with you or who you are. It’s difficult not to take things personally but really it isn’t.
Give it a few weeks and then reach out on a different topic and see what happens.
Cristy says
February 19, 2016 at 1:23 pmYou don’t suck! You are fantastic! A better friend than most people deserve. This is entirely on her. I hope Meg is OK and reaches out to you soon.
Karen says
February 19, 2016 at 1:44 pmWhy aren’t you trying a phone call?
John says
February 19, 2016 at 1:54 pmHad something similar happen a few years ago. I was supposed to go out with friend of mine. However, I was busy with a work project, and had to leave him a voice mail canceling at the last minute.
Time passed quickly, as it does in your thirties. I was busy with work and trying to be a new parent. We’d just had our first kid, and that was an adjustment. Every so often I would email my friend, or check his blog, which he’d stopped updating. I knew he was busy with school, getting his law degree, so I didn’t want to bug him – and hey, I was busy too.
Over time, things calmed down and I got back into a groove. I started reaching out again. I even went so far as to call his parents and leave messages for him to contact me. He never did. To be honest, it bugged me. We’re supposed to be friends, but as soon as I had a kid, he stopped hanging out.
Turns out he’d killed himself, and I didn’t find out until more than a year and a half after it happened. We didn’t have the same circle of friends, but I still couldn’t understand how no one had let me know. Evidently he was out drinking, got depressed, went home and shot himself in the head. No warning.
I think back to the night that I didn’t go out, and I wonder if that was when it happened. I haven’t done the math because I don’t really want to know.
My point is that you never know what’s going on in the lives of others. Sometimes people get depressed and they withdraw – and we let them because we don’t know any better.
If you have her number, give her a call. She just might need it.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 2:12 pm@John – I’m so sorry about your friend. I have considered that something is going on in my friend’s life I don’t know about, particularly since her husband didn’t reply to me either.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 2:07 pmA couple of people have asked why I haven’t called Meg. I have texted her. Like most people my age, we’re more likely to respond to texts than phone calls. Here’s an article about it: http://www.inc.com/ryan-jenkins/5-reasons-millennials-aren-t-answering-your-phone-call.html So if she hasn’t responded to my text, I find it even less likely she would respond to a call. I also remember having a conversation with her once about how people our age hate talking on the phone.
Vickie says
February 19, 2016 at 2:44 pm@Jennette Fulda – I totally agree. If it was a texting friend, and she is not responding to that, don’t call. (People who don’t normally call, can feel intruded on by phone calls. I am so not a phone person; I am a texting person). You have tried to a reasonable degree. I think anything more is too much. I would just let it go for now and see what happens.
I stopped looking for stand alone friends and looked for people I chatted with at activities. Book groups is a very good idea, as mentioned. There is lots of organized/on topic talk there, plus before and after. Pilates and yoga groups worked well for me too, seeing the same faces and chatting before or after. I found that filled my socialization need without getting be pulled into other things.
Kate says
February 19, 2016 at 5:03 pm@Jennette Fulda – I toooooooooootally agree with you — I think we’re about the same age and when someone calls me it’s just kind of weird and stressful! Texts are much more low-key, you can respond in your own time, etc. It doesn’t seem strange at all that you haven’t called her!
This might be a helpful data point — I had the same number for ten years but then my phone broke (like, broke in pieces on the ground) and replacing it was a hassle so I started using my free work iPhone as my primary phone instead and every once in a while I’m like OH YEAH XYZ has no idea that I basically changed my number and I reach out to them. Maybe she got a new phone/new carrier when she moved? I know you’ve emailed too, but if she doesn’t know you have texted, she might not realize how much you have been trying to get a hold of her.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 5:12 pm@Kate – That’s a good point, but it still doesn’t explain why she wouldn’t have seen the emails or the Twitter direct message, or why her husband hasn’t replied to my email either. I was hoping she would have seen this blog post by now and have left a perfectly reasonable explanation in the comments, but unfortunately that has not happened.
Gail Gardner says
February 19, 2016 at 9:16 pm@Jennette Fulda – I don’t know your friend, but people do change phone numbers and email doesn’t always get delivered or they don’t answer it. I have tens of thousands of email messages I never look at because I am so busy and I hate wading through all the spam to find real messages.
Even power Twitter users tune out DMs for the same reason we don’t look at all the email: so many automated messages. Have you considered sending her a regular tweet? Of course, if she’s not big on Twitter she may not see that either – especially if she is busy unpacking, hanging drapes – you know – all that moving stuff.
Can you tell from her social activities if she’s still with her husband? I know that sometimes the only way to get away from an abusive person is to move and not tell anyone – and I mean ANYONE – where you went. You can’t forward your mail and you have to change your phone number.
I’m not saying that’s the situation; I’m just saying that many people have had to do that and they can’t tell you ahead of time because that would put you at risk. Abusers have a way of getting information out of people one way or another.
Jennette Fulda says
February 20, 2016 at 9:34 pm@Gail Gardner – You bring up a good point, but in this case I’m 99.999% sure she’s not in an abusive relationship. I do have another acquaintance who has had problems with her ex stalking her, so I know that’s an issue some women face.
Sue B says
February 19, 2016 at 4:25 pmBe an adult and call her. Ask for her address, if you need an excuse tell her you are updating your Christmas card list. Or just tell her you miss her.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 4:38 pm@Sue B – See Vickie’s comment above for why I will not be calling her. I do not think this makes me any more or less of an adult.
AquaMarine says
February 19, 2016 at 5:31 pmUnfortunately, it sounds like she’s dumped you (what they called it back in my day, yes I am old). But one thing I can say with certainty is, it’s her, not you. I think you’ve pretty much done all you can and she’s just ignoring you. I know when life situations change (moving, having a child), friendships can gradually fade but this situation is rather abrupt. Granted, one of the scenarios you mentioned above could have happened, but I doubt it.
I imagine most of us, at one time or another, have been dumped. The maddening thing is that we almost never find out why. The dumper is usually too much of a chicken to answer the dumpee, so we are only left to guess. And at a certain point it just becomes fruitless to waste your time on figuring out this coward. My apologies if one of those above-mentioned scenarios happened!
It’s tough making friends. Dare I say it’s even tougher in today’s age despite having more modes of communication. I only have 2 good friends from back in high school and I’m 52! It’s not easy, you don’t accumulate them as you go along, lol.
So I don’t have any advice for you, just empathy as I’ve been dumped a few times in my life and it’s no fun, but eventually I did get over it.
If you don’t mind, I sometimes read a blogger who is in her late 50’s and she had a post at the end of last year about a friend dumping her. It got lots of comments that may or may not be helpful. At least you’ll feel like you’re not alone. Here’s the link:
http://www.awellstyledlife.com/friendship-loss-girlfriend-being-dumped/#more-1448
Just some light Friday night reading! Take care.
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 6:07 pm@AquaMarine – Oh man, it’s sad reading all the comments on that post you linked to, but it makes me feel a bit better, actually.
AquaMarine says
February 19, 2016 at 6:27 pm@Jennette Fulda – I felt the same way you did reading the comments! I thought how sad the state of “friendship” can be but at the same time it was comforting to know I wasn’t alone in being dumped. Lol. I guess misery loves company is true!
Jennette Fulda says
February 19, 2016 at 6:00 pmOk, I just got a text from Meg letting me know they are moving from their temporary housing to a different place. So she is not dead, or if she is someone is impersonating her on her phone, but I chose to believe she is alive 🙂
Gina Comer says
February 19, 2016 at 6:45 pm@Jennette Fulda – Glad to hear it! At least she knows how much she means to you. Cue the St. Bernards with little barrels of brandy.
Melissa says
February 19, 2016 at 11:28 pm@Jennette Fulda – Yippy glad she’s ok.
AquaMarine says
February 20, 2016 at 12:04 pm@Jennette Fulda – Well thankfully one of your methods to get in touch with her worked! Now the mystery has been solved and she knows that you’ve been trying to find her. Hopefully you guys can get back to regular communications now.
Robin says
February 19, 2016 at 11:04 pmThis is not to do with the missing friend. Although, I totally know this feeling! But my feeling is I that you need a new book coming out soon. Any plans for that? I’m a fan of Half-Assed and I really hope you write some more treat stories.
Jennette Fulda says
February 20, 2016 at 9:30 pm@Robin – Aw, thanks for saying that. I am not currently working on a book, but if that changes I’ll be sure to announce it on the blog.
Momtaxijulie says
February 20, 2016 at 12:31 amThis one work friend friend I had that I was super close to moved back home from CA to Minnesota. The only time I ever heard from her again was a wedding invitation. I unfriended her on Facebook because the only thing she posted was pictures of her dead dog. Not even a wedding photo. Weirdo.
Courtney says
February 20, 2016 at 8:11 amYay, happy for the resolution at the end, this blog post was as good as a mystery novel! It also made me think that next time you’re passing through Louisville, I’d love to grab a meal or coffee and catch up!
Jennette Fulda says
February 20, 2016 at 9:31 pm@Courtney – It would be great to see you! I have considered stopping in Louisville when I drive to and from Indy, but the drive is so long that it hasn’t seemed practical. If I’m ever in the area for longer than it takes to drive through town, I’ll let you know 🙂