I can hear my downstairs neighbors having sex.
At first it was funny. The short grunts and the screams of “Yes! Yes!” sounded like a parody of people having sex. It was Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. One time the woman shouted, “Come inside me!” and I couldn’t stop laughing. When I saw my neighbors in the stairwell I had to remind myself not to giggle. The only other time I’d been so close to loud sexual activity was when I stayed at a hotel and the man in the next room watched porn with the volume turned way up.
But after the fourth time I’d listened to their routine, this time at 2:30 in the morning, I wanted to tell them to knock it off already. Or at least go at it before midnight. It’s great that the man downstairs is so dedicated to providing female pleasure, but geez, some of us need to sleep. Invest in a ball gag or something. Don’t make me rename my wifi network to “I can hear you having sex.”
It’s not exactly a topic I want to broach with them, and it’s probably unimportant because I think they’re moving out soon. But even that won’t solve the noise levels around here because the complex is remodeling the apartments whenever someone moves out, as they’re doing with the unit above me. New cabinets. Granite counter tops. That’s nice and all, but what it means for me is that for three days in the past month I’ve been woken up by the sound of a power saw. If you want to know what it sounds like to be woken up by a power saw, stick your fingers in your ears and HUM AS LOUDLY AS YOU CAN. It’s so loud that I was half-convinced someone must be sawing through my ceiling. After the third time I put some ear plugs in, which muted the noise, but didn’t get rid of it completely. Once the downstairs neighbors move out, I’m sure I’ll be treated to an encore performance of this industrial sonata.
Then there’s the bird that chirps incessantly outside my window at four in the morning. I’m pro gun control, but if I had a rifle and a clear shot I would take that bird down like Betty Draper in Mad Men.
I’m not sure if this post had a point, other than to note that it’s gotten rather loud around here. My upstairs neighbor has changed each year and gotten noisier each time. It’s amazing how much my quality of life has improved since the last one moved out (if you don’t count the power saws that followed). He seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he stomped everywhere he went. I could recognize the sound of him in the stairwell because he was so loud. He would sometimes jump up and down after midnight, or pace back and forth in the bedroom above me between 3-4 in the morning. I didn’t realize what a reign of terror he’d perpetrated on me until he finally moved out and I was gleeful for weeks. Honestly, I’d rather hear the occasional power saw than to live with him upstairs again. But someone else is bound to move in, and at this rate my next upstairs neighbor will be a champion clog dancer who likes to jump rope before breakfast.
I know some of you will tell me to buy a house, but real estate is really expensive around here and home ownership comes with its own issues. That said, I get the feeling I’ll probably have to move out of here next year because they’re making it too expensive for me to stay. I don’t know where I’ll go or whether I’ll rent or buy. I just hope it’s far, far away from loud sex and power saws.
Photo by Charles & Hudson / by CC BY-SA 2.0
Natalie says
July 12, 2015 at 8:41 pmA house doesn’t necessarily solve the noise problem. When we bought this house, the very first night our neighbours’ dog barked all night. We thought we had made a huge and very expensive mistake. Luckily the dog must have just been upset about having us as new neighbours, or was trying to say hello or something because the night barking was very infrequent after that. Still annoying if he barked a lot during the day when I had a new baby.
Even when I lived in a little house on a several acres surrounded by orange trees, there was a bird that would come and attack his own reflection in the kitchen window at dawn every morning. Or maybe he could see all the crumbs on the floor and was trying to get in. Our human neighbours have been much quieter. I think animals are noisier than people!
Rebecca says
July 12, 2015 at 9:34 pmI can’t tell you how relieved I am to see why you put those items together! (In the title.)
p.s. I choose to be amused that I get ads on Facebook for T-shirts that say “Fulda. It’s where my story begins” with a map on it. Wordmining, eh? (I “follow” you)
Jennette Fulda says
July 12, 2015 at 10:03 pm@Rebecca – LOL! I admit, I deliberately created a sensational title to attract attention. Titles can be tricky.
There are several cities in the world called Fulda. The largest one is in Germany, but there’s one in Indiana and Minnesota too. I’ve been to the one in Indiana. I haven’t seen that Facebook ad though.
shauna says
July 13, 2015 at 5:16 amBest post title EVER! I had neighbours above with the same issue. The novelty wears off pretty darn quick!
Kelly says
July 13, 2015 at 9:19 amThe next time you see them, apologize for making loud noises the night before. Say your cat knocked over something. When they say they didn’t hear anything, just say, wow I’m surprised, the walls are really thin around here. It’s kind of passive aggressive, but it might be just subtle enough.
Or ask to move into the top floor apartment once the reno is complete.
Meg says
July 13, 2015 at 10:34 amAww, and I thought you were about to reveal a really racy explanation for your hurt back!
Kate says
July 13, 2015 at 12:50 pmI used to live in an apartment that had apparently no barrier to the sound from the unit above me. I really hated listening to the people above engage in sex! It’s really not a comfortable thing to be forced to listen to when you are trying to sleep. That same couple also had two giant dobermans that sometimes made it impossible to get to my door. Yikes, things you don’t know before you move into a place! My new apartment is much better thank goodness. I hope your new neighbors are quiet and never home!
Kiki says
July 16, 2015 at 12:24 amI hope you buy a house…yes they too come with neighbors but not directly above you and stand fans running on med can disguise backyard parties. All the best sweetie!
td says
July 16, 2015 at 6:49 amI thought I’d share this with you, by way of saying thanks for the post which was so funny. My husband and I were on a summer holiday a few years ago, and due to poor planning, we ended up at a dodgy-looking hotel on the outskirts of Adelaide around midnight. We had showered and were in bed with the A/C rattling away in its poorly-fitted window, when the wall-banging began. Apparently, the headboard of our bed shared a wall with the headboard of the room next door, because It was close enough to feel as if the couple were practically in our bed. We sighed, held hands, and laughed a little. Finally, she started moaning and doing the yes yes yes thing, while he talked dirty to her, to me, and to my husband. This, we found both hilarious and sad. He sounded like he’d learnt sex from porn movies. There was a moment of silence then, during which my husband asked, “Do you think they’re done?” only to be met by more moans. And he said, “Do you think she liked that?” and I said, “She is faking it.” And my husband asked, “How can you tell?” So I said, “Oh, I just can.”
Mollie says
July 18, 2015 at 11:14 amI was a long time apartment dweller and can sympathize with the noise issue. Even worse though was the smoke from fellow neighbors. Home ownership can be a good option, just keep in mind that you might still have the same issues if you go into a townhouse or condo. Plus, there are HOA’s to deal with and maintenance.
I think rental demand is pretty high in most areas so complexes can get away with the rent increases. In my area, foreclosures have forced a lot of people into apartments.
Alexis @ Fitnancials says
July 18, 2015 at 10:09 pmThis entire post was hilarious, along with the comments of the other stories! Haha!
Jen in SC says
July 24, 2015 at 8:45 pmSo funny. Excellent post. The last half was literally LOL for me! Nice work 🙂