I saw something sail past my face into my car before I’d even finished opening the door, but it was a dark and rainy night, literally, so I couldn’t see what. I thought it must have been a leaf or a moth, but that was wishful thinking because what had actually jumped into my car, literally, was–

A FROG!!! A $#&*%^#* FROG!!! IN MY CAR!!! HOLY FREAKING $%^$^!!!

So, um, I was a little freaked out.

Usually when I’m walking through a dark parking lot I’m worried about another human being forcing his way into my car, not an amphibian. I looked inside and saw the small yet slimy creature chilling out on my dashboard like it was his favorite lily pad. I put my groceries on the front seat and left the driver’s side door open while I went around to the other side. That’s where I found a straw in my trash which I used to start prodding the trespasser out. The vanilla shake I’d gotten at the drive-through might not have been the best caloric decision, but it was totally worth it at this moment. Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to herd a frog because instead of letting me push him he’d make a sudden leap without me knowing exactly where he’d land (please, please, please, not in my hair).

Then I noticed that the guy I’d helped find Sensodyne in the dental hygiene aisle had strolled out of the store and was giving me a look which probably meant, “I hope this crazy lady didn’t poison my toothpaste.” I blurted out that there was a frog in my car, because when you have a frog in your car you feel a deep need to tell everyone that, “Oh my freakin’ God, there is a frog in my car. Can you believe this actually happened?” By the time he came over all we could see were the moist impressions the creature’s little froggy legs had left on my dashboard. “Geez, I hope you find it before it dies in your car,” said Mr. Sensitive Teeth who was about three frog-leaps ahead of me in this game because I hadn’t yet contemplated what a dead frog would smell like in a car parked in hot, summer weather.

I couldn’t see the frog, so I got in, started the car and said a small prayer that nothing was going to leap into my face as I was driving down the road. though that would make for a hilarious accident report. That’s when I spotted the little leaping menace wedged between the windshield and the dashboard on my far left. I opened the door, poked the frog with the straw again which caused it not to leap outside, but onto the shoulder of my buckled seat belt. Finally with a final poke it leapt outside and I slammed the door as fast as I could. Well, I’m 99% sure it leapt outside. I guess we’ll know in a few days, won’t we? If not, the next thing I’ll be buying from the grocery store is air fresheners.