I was in line at the bookstore in December when a man tapped me on the shoulder, handed me a business card, and said, “Here. They pay money,” and then walked off before I could get a good enough look to identify him in a line-up. This is what the card said:
Yes, that’s right, I was solicited to do porn while buying Christmas presents for my family. If there is any doubt in your mind as to what this business is about, please refer to this blog entry I discovered when I Googled the email address on the card. In short, the blogger followed up to find out what the deal was and learned that the deal was indeed porn. Notably, at first I thought the email address was “money-CAN-hurt” instead of money-CAN’T-hurt” which was probably my brain’s way of warning me about the situation before I’d even confirmed what the situation was.
While I should probably be offended that someone wanted to exploit my body, I was mostly just flattered that someone thought my body was exploitable. I could totally do porn! I didn’t know that! It’s the strangest Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten. I’ve been various degrees of overweight my entire life, so there have been very few years when I’ve been a size that matches the default “pretty” setting of society. Fat women can be beautiful, but it’s a beauty that has to be defended. It’s a beauty you have to convince people about or that you even have to convince yourself about. Like every time you go outside looking good you’re saying, “Why yes, despite all the rumors to the contrary you can be large and attractive!” Pretty thin people never have to defend themselves this way. Everyone knows thin is the default pretty. These days I’m not as fat as I used to be, but not as thin as I used to be either, so my own approval rating of my body is somewhere around 65%. (A lot of that is due to my feet though, not my ass.) Despite that mediocre self-appraisal, someone else thinks I’m masturbatory material. And despite myself, I have to admit it boosted my spirits. I have absolutely no intention of following up on it, but it’s nice that I’m the one who gets to say no instead of being the one “no” is said to.
Granted, porn is not always about being pretty. I don’t know that much about porn, but I know there is some crazy ass shit out there. Literally. I also know an overweight porn star would likely be categorized as a “fetish,” which is kind of insulting in itself. I can understand why other people might be offended by receiving a card like this, particularly if they didn’t consider themselves overweight to begin with. It’s not great to know someone wants to exploit you, even if it’s strangely reassuring to know you’re just as exploitable as the next girl (even if she is a size 0).
What I found most jarring about this experience is that it throws into question a motto I tend to live my life by, which is “You wouldn’t care what other people thought of you if you knew how infrequently they did.” I usually think about this when I’m sweating on the elliptical at the gym or if I’m dashing to the mailbox in my pajamas. “Don’t worry about it, Jennette. No one is watching. You are not the center of the world.” But in this case someone did notice me. They looked at my body and instead of thinking, “She’s fat. I’m going to ignore her,” they thought, “She’s fat. I must approach her!” That bookstore I shopped at must have been in Oppositeville. Or it might be that I am not as invisible as I think. Whether that’s good or bad depends on who’s doing the looking.
But sometimes it’s just nice to be seen.
Jen says
February 17, 2014 at 9:01 amI like your attitude about this. The guy on the site you linked to seemed a little weird and judgemental about the whole thing.
Although that Bernie guy (not his real name, I bet) has a strange definition of porn. Don’t want to know what he is into.
How many of these little cards do you think they have to hand out before someone takes them up on the offer? My mind must be a dark place, because I would be worried about ending up in a real-life version of “Silence of the Lambs.”
Kimberly says
February 17, 2014 at 9:37 amPorn offers aside, sometimes it’s just nice to be seen.
Amen.
JenFul says
February 17, 2014 at 11:30 am@Jen – I wondered what his recruitment rate was too. I almost blurred his email address out on the card because I don’t want to throw business his way. But I wanted to link to the other blog entry for background and they include the email, so there was no point in removing it from the image.
Dani says
August 18, 2017 at 7:24 pm@JenFul – I received a card while shopping with my kids. He asked if I had ever considered modeling and asked if I was over 18(I am 25). He gave me a card and said ” They pay good”. I knew right off the bat what kind of modeling it would be be. Nevertheless, I saved the card on my bathroom mirror just incase something came up and I really needed the cash lol. O decided today to Google email and Im glad I did! I thought maybe it would be semi nude photos for a private portfolio or something but apparently not the case lol. Congrats on your weight loss journey btw! Hope this wont sound as creepy as the guy handing out cards but, you are very very beautiful and sexy! So I’m not suprised you were approached. I was flattered I cant lie but I dont really like the idea of my father or ex husband coming across a picture of me while porn surfing lol.
Peace and Blessings!
Beverly says
February 17, 2014 at 11:52 amI love this: You wouldn’t care what other people thought of you if you knew how infrequently they did.
I need to remind myself of this, as I think people are judging me constantly. But I think that says more about me than it does about anyone else. Thank you for the reminder.
PS Loved this post BTW. I would have been flattered!
Meg says
February 17, 2014 at 2:24 pmI’m usually quite nervous signalling my interest to men (What if I get rejected???) but there’s a dude who walks around shopping malls soliciting ladies to be in fetish porn.
Aunt Annette says
February 17, 2014 at 3:11 pm65%, Jennette? Really? You are such a beautiful woman! Don’t you forget it! I suggest you get a copy of Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman,” and absorb it into your soul. …. but …. what in the hell is happening with your feet?
JenFul says
February 17, 2014 at 3:18 pm@Aunt Annette – Oh man, what is not happening with my feet? I’ve had bunions all my life, so my big toe and second toe overlap on both feet. The bunion on my left foot must have gotten worse in the past year because I now have a thick callus/corn on my big toe. I’ve started using a toe separator to prevent it getting worse and I’m using salicylic acid to slowly remove the callus. I’ve also got flat feet which caused tendinitis two years ago. My podiatrist said I should never walk around barefoot again because I need shoes with arch support. Plus, I just ended a two-year battle with plantar warts on my right foot that WOULD NOT GO AWAY until I finally got the dermatologist to freeze them off.
So, that’s what’s going on with my feet. Needless to say, I won’t be doing foot porn 🙂
Aunt Annette says
February 17, 2014 at 5:50 pm@JenFul – Wow. Must be from Fulda genes. I think you can only blame our side of the family for high blood pressure and diabetic tendencies! But who looks at feet anyway? … oh, yeah … well you don’t want to hang out with foot fetishers anyway, right?! It’s good to see you pop up in my FB feed! Thanks for !
Aunt Annette says
February 17, 2014 at 5:52 pm@JenFul – @Aunt Annette –
That was supposed to be …”Thanks for making me laugh!”
Cynthia says
February 17, 2014 at 8:33 pm@JenFul – You are a gifted writer and I appreciate your humor and perspective. You handled this more gracefully than I would’ve. ‘might be time to switch to Target though….
Cheers!
Vickie says
February 17, 2014 at 11:39 pmGood heavens. What did your mother say?
JenFul says
February 18, 2014 at 11:46 am@Vickie – Well, my mother will find out when she reads this entry, so I guess we’ll find out then!
Mary says
February 19, 2014 at 12:58 pmI am so glad I decided to check your blog again. I truly enjoy your unique spin on things and your writing style. But when someone blogs infrequently I get to the point that I don’t check very often. Anyway glad to see you posting more often again!! Thanks.