The one year anniversary of my headache is coming up on February 17th, right after Valentine’s Day. I hope it gets me a gift! A fuzzy teddy bear perhaps? Or maybe a cake shaped like a Vicodin with hydrocodone ground into the icing? At the very least, it owes me back rent for all the time it’s occupied my head.

I’ve decided to post a list of all the suggested causes and cures people have sent me over the past year, from the serious to the absurd. Why? First, if you are someone who is googling the phrase “headache that doesn’t go away” or “never ending headache” or “chronic daily headache” this entry will give you a lengthy to-do list. Second, I’m going to link to this post on my contact page and if you don’t see your piece of advice listed here, then and only then may you email me about it. If someone has a good suggestion, I don’t want to turn them away, but if you’re the tenth person to tell me to go off artificial sweeteners, you’re just being annoying no matter how good your intentions were.

I suppose a secret third reason is to try to make you understand why I feel like smacking most people who give me advice over the head with my laptop. I know you guys mean well and just want me to get better. But when you tell me I have a tiny hole in my heart, not only are you the fifth person to suggest it, it’s also the 30th suggestion I’ve received, most of which I’ve also heard 5 times each. So, even if I do decide to have a device stuck down my throat to detect whether I have a holy heart, I’ll only do it after I’ve rearranged my work station, had the dentist poke my teeth, had my eye doctor shine lights in my eyes, had the chiropractor crack my neck, let the Chinese doctor stick some needles in me and a zillion other things I’m supposed to squeeze in between my job and episodes of Battlestar Galactica, all while not consuming coffee, dairy, wheat or artificial sweeteners.

BTW, I did not make any of these up. These are all REAL suggestions people have given me. I’ve investigated probably 70-80% of this list and I’m working my way through the rest of it.

Suggested causes

Pseudotumor Cerebri aka idiopathic intracranial hypertension

Teeth grinding

Holes in the teeth

Tiny sinus blockages

Sinus infection

Poor work station that needs to be made more ergonomic

Fluorescent lights

Eye strain

LASIK

Muscle tension, jaw clenching

Artificial sweeteners (Splenda, Aspartame, etc.)

Allergies to food (both IGg and IGe antibodies)

Celiac disease (gluten intolerance)

Patent foramen ovale (PFO), a hole in the heart (acting as a migraine trigger)

Saints possessing my brain

Voodoo doll

Brain tumor

Drinking from aluminum cans

Thyroid

The thing the guy on Grey’s Anatomy had

Teratoma of the ovary

Twin living in my brain

Deviated septum

Migraine disease

Allergic to new work area

HPV vaccine

Slipping on the ice a month earlier

Slight scalp burn during haircut

Lack of sunlight

Weight loss – dumping toxins into my blood

Weight loss – causing hormone imbalance

Menstrual cycle

Birth control pills (suggestions both to go on and off them)

Disturbances in my body’s electromagnetic field caused by electronics

Sleep apnea

Dairy intolerance

New Daily Persistent Headache

Chronic Daily Headache

The weather

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Depression

Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD)

Too much salt

Forward neck curve

Mold

Lupus

Lyme disease

Dehydration

Cerebral venous sinus thrombosis

Cerebrospinal fluid leak

Trigeminal Neuralgia

Epilepsy

Occult Cancer of the Facial Bones

Multiple Sclerosis

Spiritual crisis

Irregularity

Colloid cyst

Compact fluorescent light bulbs

Thalamocortical Dysrhythmia

Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo

Pencil stuck in skull

Suggested cures & tests

MRI (with and without contrast)

Sinus CT

Acupuncture

Chiropractor

Neti pot

Aspirin, Ibuprofen, aecetominophen, Naproxin (Common OTC pain relievers)

Imitrex, Treximet, Midrin (migraine abortives)

Massage

Craniosacral massage therapy (CST)

Mouth guard from dentist to prevent grinding

Vitamin D

Melatonin

Allergy medication (Allegra-D, Singulair)

Botox

IV drugs (Keppra, Depakote)

Topamax (headache preventative)

Toradol injection (migraine abortive)

Antibiotics (Azithromicin)

Detox diet

Visit eye doctor

Visit dentist

Allergy scratch test

Allergy blood test

Muscle relaxants

Hydrocodone (Vicodin)

Percocet

Marijuana

Drink more water

Avoid caffeine

Lavendar oil, peppermint oil, melissa, ginseng and rosemary

Avoid trigger foods (wine, chocolate, cheese, etc.)

Nerve blocks

Biofeedback

Meditation

Yoga

Inderal LA, Corgard (Beta blockers)

Head On

No Pain Spray

Carry a magnet in my pocket

Neck stretches

Copper bracelet

Metal balls stuck on my ear that I’m supposed to pinch 20 times

Deep breathing

Magnesium

EKG

EEG

Neurological exam

Exercise more

Tricyclic anti-depressants (amitriptyline, nortriptyline)

SSRI anti-depressants (Celexa, Zoloft, etc.)

Spinal tap

Physical therapy

Stop working on computers all day

Altitude change, visit other parts of country

In-patient hospital stay at headache clinic

Menopause

Avoid various food products (milk, gluten, Splenda, etc.)

Eat only organic foods

Pet a cat

Calcium

Klonapin

Witchcraft, counter spells (for the voodoo doll)

Sex

Eat poorly and stop exercising

Banana peel on the forehead

Trepanation

Hit self over head with heavy and blunt object

Hot pepper under the tongue (“Tincture of Capsaicin” or “Tincture of Cayenne”)

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Tension Relief Balm (with feverfew)

Aromatherapy

Hyperbaric therapy

Tiger balm

Reiki healing

Fung shui

Reflexology

3 day induced semi-coma (to reboot the brain)

Hormone replacement therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Group therapy

Red tint contact lenses

Concentration camp (based on Elie Wiesel’s experience.)

Methadone

Other stuff I found out I had while investigating the headache

Venous angioma

Heart murmur

Scoliosis