The one year anniversary of my headache is coming up on February 17th, right after Valentine’s Day. I hope it gets me a gift! A fuzzy teddy bear perhaps? Or maybe a cake shaped like a Vicodin with hydrocodone ground into the icing? At the very least, it owes me back rent for all the time it’s occupied my head.
I’ve decided to post a list of all the suggested causes and cures people have sent me over the past year, from the serious to the absurd. Why? First, if you are someone who is googling the phrase “headache that doesn’t go away” or “never ending headache” or “chronic daily headache” this entry will give you a lengthy to-do list. Second, I’m going to link to this post on my contact page and if you don’t see your piece of advice listed here, then and only then may you email me about it. If someone has a good suggestion, I don’t want to turn them away, but if you’re the tenth person to tell me to go off artificial sweeteners, you’re just being annoying no matter how good your intentions were.
I suppose a secret third reason is to try to make you understand why I feel like smacking most people who give me advice over the head with my laptop. I know you guys mean well and just want me to get better. But when you tell me I have a tiny hole in my heart, not only are you the fifth person to suggest it, it’s also the 30th suggestion I’ve received, most of which I’ve also heard 5 times each. So, even if I do decide to have a device stuck down my throat to detect whether I have a holy heart, I’ll only do it after I’ve rearranged my work station, had the dentist poke my teeth, had my eye doctor shine lights in my eyes, had the chiropractor crack my neck, let the Chinese doctor stick some needles in me and a zillion other things I’m supposed to squeeze in between my job and episodes of Battlestar Galactica, all while not consuming coffee, dairy, wheat or artificial sweeteners.
BTW, I did not make any of these up. These are all REAL suggestions people have given me. I’ve investigated probably 70-80% of this list and I’m working my way through the rest of it.
Suggested causes
Pseudotumor Cerebri aka idiopathic intracranial hypertension
Teeth grinding
Holes in the teeth
Tiny sinus blockages
Sinus infection
Poor work station that needs to be made more ergonomic
Fluorescent lights
Eye strain
LASIK
Muscle tension, jaw clenching
Artificial sweeteners (Splenda, Aspartame, etc.)
Allergies to food (both IGg and IGe antibodies)
Celiac disease (gluten intolerance)
Patent foramen ovale (PFO), a hole in the heart (acting as a migraine trigger)
Saints possessing my brain
Voodoo doll
Brain tumor
Drinking from aluminum cans
Thyroid
The thing the guy on Grey’s Anatomy had
Teratoma of the ovary
Twin living in my brain
Deviated septum
Migraine disease
Allergic to new work area
HPV vaccine
Slipping on the ice a month earlier
Slight scalp burn during haircut
Lack of sunlight
Weight loss – dumping toxins into my blood
Weight loss – causing hormone imbalance
Menstrual cycle
Birth control pills (suggestions both to go on and off them)
Disturbances in my body’s electromagnetic field caused by electronics
Sleep apnea
Dairy intolerance
New Daily Persistent Headache
Chronic Daily Headache
The weather
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
Depression
Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD)
Too much salt
Forward neck curve
Mold
Lupus
Lyme disease
Dehydration
Cerebral venous sinus thrombosis
Cerebrospinal fluid leak
Trigeminal Neuralgia
Epilepsy
Occult Cancer of the Facial Bones
Multiple Sclerosis
Spiritual crisis
Irregularity
Colloid cyst
Compact fluorescent light bulbs
Thalamocortical Dysrhythmia
Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo
Pencil stuck in skull
Suggested cures & tests
MRI (with and without contrast)
Sinus CT
Acupuncture
Chiropractor
Neti pot
Aspirin, Ibuprofen, aecetominophen, Naproxin (Common OTC pain relievers)
Imitrex, Treximet, Midrin (migraine abortives)
Massage
Craniosacral massage therapy (CST)
Mouth guard from dentist to prevent grinding
Vitamin D
Melatonin
Allergy medication (Allegra-D, Singulair)
Botox
IV drugs (Keppra, Depakote)
Topamax (headache preventative)
Toradol injection (migraine abortive)
Antibiotics (Azithromicin)
Detox diet
Visit eye doctor
Visit dentist
Allergy scratch test
Allergy blood test
Muscle relaxants
Hydrocodone (Vicodin)
Percocet
Marijuana
Drink more water
Avoid caffeine
Lavendar oil, peppermint oil, melissa, ginseng and rosemary
Avoid trigger foods (wine, chocolate, cheese, etc.)
Nerve blocks
Biofeedback
Meditation
Yoga
Inderal LA, Corgard (Beta blockers)
Head On
No Pain Spray
Carry a magnet in my pocket
Neck stretches
Copper bracelet
Metal balls stuck on my ear that I’m supposed to pinch 20 times
Deep breathing
Magnesium
EKG
EEG
Neurological exam
Exercise more
Tricyclic anti-depressants (amitriptyline, nortriptyline)
SSRI anti-depressants (Celexa, Zoloft, etc.)
Spinal tap
Physical therapy
Stop working on computers all day
Altitude change, visit other parts of country
In-patient hospital stay at headache clinic
Menopause
Avoid various food products (milk, gluten, Splenda, etc.)
Eat only organic foods
Pet a cat
Calcium
Klonapin
Witchcraft, counter spells (for the voodoo doll)
Sex
Eat poorly and stop exercising
Banana peel on the forehead
Trepanation
Hit self over head with heavy and blunt object
Hot pepper under the tongue (“Tincture of Capsaicin” or “Tincture of Cayenne”)
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Tension Relief Balm (with feverfew)
Aromatherapy
Hyperbaric therapy
Tiger balm
Reiki healing
Fung shui
Reflexology
3 day induced semi-coma (to reboot the brain)
Hormone replacement therapy
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
Group therapy
Red tint contact lenses
Concentration camp (based on Elie Wiesel’s experience.)
Methadone
Other stuff I found out I had while investigating the headache
Venous angioma
Heart murmur
Scoliosis
If I had found this list of things you tried for your NDPH earlier than today, I could have saved tens of thousands of dollars in doctors and other lunatics trying to treat my NDPH and I could have self-treated with the same lack of results. : D
To be fair, the altitude change helping was something I discovered accidentally when going above 5,000 feet. It didn’t make sense, if it was a migraine, it should have gotten worse not better which led the only smart neurologist I saw (out of many) to speculate that I might have a heart condition called POTS resulting from a minor head injury months earlier than the NDPH decided to arrive in my life. Not sure if that’s true, the only POTS specialist within six hours is available in 11 months so we’ll see.
I just wanted to tell you that I really loved your book. It was like a two person support group reading about your experiences that mirrored mine as I was showing up to my umpteenth doctor. Thanks for being there when the medical world was more interested in my wallet than my head. I appreciate that you took the time to write the book despite the continuous pain. Your humor was exactly what I needed and it’s a book I like to open up once in a while when the pain is overwhelming.